Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
