Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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