This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
