I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
