Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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