I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
