she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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