She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
