I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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