My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
