We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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