just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
