Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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