My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
ok first of all what the fuck
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
