I showed him my bush... on skype.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
