My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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