grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize