why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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