you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
