she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
