When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
