11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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