Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
