his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
