I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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