Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
