Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
