Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
