I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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