I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize