just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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