i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
