He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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