I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
