I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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