haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
