I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
