You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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