I hate your face
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
