dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
