Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
