he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize