The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
