How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
