Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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