you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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