I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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