You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am one with the molecules
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
