I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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