Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
