Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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