apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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