VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize